Here I Go Again On My Own...

"The harder you work, the luckier you get," Gary Player

 

 

It's Week 2.

Day 2.

 

It's good. Things are good.

I worked out last night. And intend to do that again tonight and tomorrow night.

 

I've been down this road before - so gung-ho at the beginning and then it fades....one cheat, becomes another cheat, which becomes a half a cheat...and then I'm back at my original weight and then some.

 

This is to be different I say. This is to be the change in me I say. I'm not craving anything. My workout was hard. H.A.R.D. I barely made it through; but I made it through.

 

I'm bound and determined to work hard. But I'm also just living my regular life determined to make this style become my regular life. The food is good and healthy. The exercise is good for my heart and health. Why would I not want to be this way?

 

I do.

 

*hugs*

Living My Life

"Life is a single short sentence - but I want my life to read like a beautiful sentence, one that nobody wants to end,"

Neil Diamond

 

Day 4.

 

I officially weigh myself today.

I'm supposed to weigh myself on Mondays and Thursdays.

 

Since I was around a scale on Sunday, I count that weigh-in number as my start weight with this program. And...I cheated. Nope, not with food. I already weighed myself and I'm down. I would have cried if I wasn't with all the healthy food going into my system and none of the bad. No lattes, no french fries, no cake, no muffins. Am super proud of myself: day by day, week by week.

 

This is the only life I have and I want to feel good living it. Already I get excited to fit more comfortably back into the clothes I bought myself over the summer when I had lost 20 pounds. The pants I'm wearing today - yup, were a little snug 2 weeks ago. Not so much today. Those are the small victories I have to remember. And I can be vain - because this week my reason for losing weight is my vanity.

 

It's not the only reason, but for my life, for right at this moment, it's my reason.

It's the reason I feel sexy when I put on my matching bra sets and show it off to my fiance.

It's the reason I will feel confident trying on wedding dresses with my gorgeous, slim sister.

 

I am aware that life is too short though to dwell on, what some may consider, to be such superficial reasons. If we're honest with ourselves though - everyone's life has some sort of superficiality to it. Could be in the form of career, family, friend, child relationships. Take your pick. Why else do people dream of the grass being greener?

 

Whoa. Where is this going??

 

I just wanted to say today that I am feeling lighter, happy, healthy.

Even if it's just day 4. Gotta start somewhere.

 

*hugs*

Reason Wednesday

"At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child or parent,"

Barbara Bush

 

My reason today is vain as can be,

To wear pretty clothes is what I want you see.

 

To walk into the mall and visit any store I adore,

Not just have my choices limited to a specialty store.

 

It's fashion, clothes and style I live for,

Carrying all this weight is becoming a bore.

 

I equate them with love and taste and good fun,

Fall is my favourite though summer is great with its sun.

 

My reason today is vain as can be,

I want to be sassy, sexy and pretty.

 

*hugs*

 

 



Setting the Scene

"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming,"

Johann von Goethe

 

Day 2.

 

No, I won't be writing and writing each day's accounts of eating out but I will be doing it for the first week atleast. See how I am feeling with it.

 

So, how did day 1 go for me?

 

Well, I tried whey protein for the first time. Didn't hate it. My digestive tract definitely hated it. I had to run out of 2 meetings straight to the little girls' room. Too much information? Well, it's what happened. I spoke with my trainer friend and he said to give it a few more days and see how the body reacts to it. I have also accompanied drinking the shake with a lot of water and so far (since I had it for breakfast) I seem to be doing ok *fingers crossed*

 

Other than that, I didn't cheat (though I don't want to think of eating in those terms) I want this to be a lifelong change. I came home before a meeting and was watching a little bit of television. Within my vision and reach were a bag of chips and onion dip my brother and I had munched on the night before (my last bad treat to myself). I could have easily just snuck a few - who would know, right? My next weigh-in isn't until Thursday and I can eat clean over the next few days and still lose or maintain, right?

 

Problem is, one snack ultimately leads to another. Maybe not at that time but on another day. And more to that point, I truly didn't want the chips. I don't like chips all that much. I'd rather wait and look forward to my 'cheat' meal this week which may be butter chicken or pizza. Either of which I am looking forward to enjoying thoroughly. Funny thing the relationship with food for some people.

 

Where did all these bad habits come from? Some are from family...some are from me...but I like good food. I like vegetables, fruits, milks and grains. Somewhere along the way I liked them too much. And became less active as well. I know my shortcomings and am working on making them less short.

 

Join me.

 

*hugs*

Mildly Obsessed

"Your own soul is nourished when you are kind; it is destroyed when you are cruel," 

Proverbs 11:17

 

Day 1.

 

I started my new eating plan this morning.

3 whole eggs and 1/4 cup of oatmeal. And I need to eat again in 2.5 hours.

It seems like a lot of food but it's small meals broken up so we'll see - I am giving it a solid 8 weeks.

Well, first I'm giving it a solid week. And then another week and hope to be in full throttle habit by month's end. Then I can work out another month to get me through the temptation we call the holidays in December.

 

I am slightly worried that I will become food-obsessed. Like always figuring out when I'm going to eat next, etc And this plan takes prep. A lot of it. Which is fine - I do it before bed but I'm also one person who doesn't have the responsibility of a family and children to take care of while losing weight and getting healthy. Today I am giving those people huge props because this is hard work.

 

The thing is, just like anything else in life, you're gonna have to work for it.

I am working for it. One meal, one day, one week at a time.

 

*hugs*



Fundamental Friday

"Man only likes to count his troubles, but he does not count his joys,"

Feodor Dostoevsky

 

Some of my joys for this week include:

 

- having a trainer friend create a meal plan for me

- actually being excited to begin this meal plan

- one of my favourite songs coming on the radio as I write this blog entry

- watching the Broadway production of Beauty and the Beast with my mama and sister

- running wedding errands with same mama and sister

- encouraging my fiance to shave of his mustache and beard for Movember

- going for a manicure/pedicure treat tonight

- relieved friends who live on the US east coast were relatively unaffected by Sandy

- blogging - every day this week!

 

Enjoy the beauty of the day and the amazement of the weekend!

 

*hugs*

Being Me

"Never be afraid to tread the path alone. Know which is your path and follow it wherever it may lead you; do not feel you have to follow in someone else's footsteps,"

Eileen Caddy

 

 

You know what's funny? I've never really felt the need to follow in other people's footsteps.

 

I mean, yes, I want to be accepted as part of the group but even at a young age, I was a bit more of a natural-born leader (maybe being the oldest child has something to do with that) and kinda marched to my own drum-beat.

 

I can remember being in elementary school and swinging on the swings at the park with some chums and the conversation was about who wanted to be part of our 'clique'. That's the first time I ever even realized I was in a 'clique'. I talked to everyone all the time. When I made a mention of this, my friends were quick to tell me that obviously I was part of this group - I often led it. Huh? Me? Ok.

 

I can remember being in high school and a new girlfriend in Grade 10 asking me what to do for lunch one day and as we were deciding she says, I'll let the other girls know that's what you decided so we can all do it. Huh? We're doing what I said? Ok.

 

And to this day, when I'm feeling low about myself, my BFF has on many an occasion reminded me that everyone loves me, my style, my personality and there has never been an occasion where someone says 'oh that Vaia, we can't stand her'. My goddaughter just had her own baby girl and in a quiet moment together before the birth, she says to me how she can only wish that her daughter will turn out to be half the person I am. Huh? Oh my.

 

Now, I write all of this, not to toot my own horn (though it feels good not gonna lie...) but to remind ME that as I embark on my weight loss journey (with a new meal plan in tow) that it is up to me to actually BE the person that everyone thinks I am; that everyone sees I am; that I really am.

 

I will try to avoid sabouteurs (because they're out there) and some of them are in my own mind.

 

I've never really been afraid to tread the path alone. I've just always been able to find and/or attract people to walk it with me.  Maybe I encourage them to follow their own footsteps. Maybe my push to not be afraid of that path makes it that much less lonely. You think?

 

*hugs*

Reason Wednesday

"Imagination is the beginning of creation.  You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will,"

George Bernard Shaw

 

 

Let's recap, shall we...

 

Every Wednesday I state a reason I want to lose weight (and keep it off) but first thing's first...

 

So, it's Halloween today.

I have never liked Halloween.

 

If I dig down deep enough into the back of my brain, a huge part of why I don't really like it would be because all my girlfriends would wear cute, sexy, short, barely there costumes. I didn't. Felt like I couldn't. Hence, just started hating Halloween.

 

One year I went as a sexy schoolgirl - even then I wore thick black tights and was more covered up than the rest of the people around but atleast I felt as though I fit in a bit.

 

One other year - and the most recent one not too long ago - a group decided to go out for Halloween to a bar and we were all dressing up. I was the Evil Queen from Snow White. Borrowed the outfit from a friend. It truly was the coolest outfit - my makeup was impeccable. However, the costume covered me up entirely. And I didn't feel one bit self-conscious until we actually went to the bar. Not only was I the most covered person there but also within our group of friends. And so while every guy there hit on my naughty nurse sister, my GI Jane best friend, my lusty ladybug neighbour - no one, NO ONE took a second glance at the Evil Queen.  Correction - at one point a wingman was sent to me so a guy could hit on one of my girlfriends. I excused myself and went to the bathroom where I got into the last stall and cried for about 20 minutes.  Wow. I have never told anyone that story and even now it makes me tear up. I know my gal pals came to look for me and I did a good job of hiding out for awhile and then just came out. There was no use in hiding since we'd be staying at the bar for some time.

 

I doubt I'll ever really get dressed up for Halloween again - and if so, the time has passed for the sexy French Maid (outside of the bedroom) but my reason today, on October 31, is to lose weight for that bar-hopping, fun girl in her 20's who never had the guts to be sexy for Halloween.

 

Hope yours is scary good fun!

 

*hugs*

Belief

"A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses, it is an idea that possesses the mind,"

Robert Bolton

 

 

 

I believe that the life I've always envisioned living is actually within my reach.

 

I believe that the weight I've always envisioned being is actually attainable.

 

I believe that love really does solve most problems.

 

I believe that I will fit back into the gorgeous clothes I purchased over the summer.

 

I believe I will be a gorgeous and glamorous bride.

 

I believe that I can will myself to happiness and then actually practice what I preach.

 

I believe that I make excuses to myself about why I am not losing the weight I should be losing.

 

I believe that I sometimes truly believe these excuses.

 

I believe that I can change my mindset.

 

I believe that I hope I can change my mindset.

 

What do you believe?

 

*hugs*



Measurements

"Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst,"

Proverb

 

 

I got measured for my maid of honour dress on Saturday.  I was between sizes and chose the smaller size.  I was half an inch, to an inch bigger than the smaller size and figured I can lose the inches/weight before her wedding in May.

 

Am I crazy? Do I call the store and ask to change the order to the larger dress size? Am I setting myself up though I know I can lose the weight and the inches....I'm fairly confident in my decision and frankly, what's a bigger motivator than being able to fit into my dress. Hello!

 

So, as luck would have it, I was visiting with friends later that day and encountered a personal trainer friend who created a food plan for my BFF to fit into her wedding dress. I asked him if it was possible to create one for me - I would pay and I would succeed. He wasn't sure at first - he does this for a living and he means business. Me and Bestie have carried our excess weight around with us for years so I can understand his hesitance. At the same time, he knows we are both getting married and want to look our best for such an important day. In the end, he messaged me and told me he'd help me out.

 

I am hoping for the best and I am not expecting the worst. I can't prepare for the worst because I won't be ordering the larger size. Going against all my best judgements - though I think in this case it's just fear and anxiety.

 

I will succeed. You will see. I will see. There will be no worst.

 

*hugs*

Fundamental Friday

"One swears by wholemeal bread, one by sour milk; vegetarianism is the only road to salvation for some, others insist not only on vegetables alone, but on eating those raw...the scientific truth may be put quite briefly: eat moderately, having an ordinary mixed diet, and don't worry,"

Robert Hutchison

 

 

This has been a short work week for me.  It has also been a good blogging week.  Am creating my groove and trying to get back into routine and good habits for myself.

 

On this fabulous Friday - I am thankful for the amazing late October weather we are having. Can't wait to visit a haunted house tonight with some of the very best friends a gal can have. The man and I spent some time together every night this week. I have been buying decor for the wedding (on sale!!) and am getting fit and measured for my maid of honour dress tomorrow.

 

I will be happy with whatever that measurement is knowing I will look beautiful on my best friend's wedding day and that by the time the dress comes in, I will be smaller in it.

 

Hope your weeks were good and that you are all truly looking forward to a wonderful weekend.

 

*hugs*

Health

"Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body,"

Joseph Addison

 

 

I am truly as cheerful as they get.  Imagine if the more cheerful one was, the skinnier they were as well.  Mind. Blown.  I'd be nothing! I'd be writing a blog about gaining weight.  Wait, I am writing a blog about gaining weight...

 

But there is proof to the thought of positive thinking and what it can do for ones health - both emotional and physical.  While I am a truly happy person, I have dark days - dark moments and in those may lie one of the reasons my weight is the way it is. Why I am the way I am.

 

I may have shared this story once before but I have gone to see a spiritual consultant once or twice in my life (*cough* psychic *cough*) I actually asked her about my weight. It's a pressing matter on my mind and I've been obsessed with it even before it should have been an issue to me (thanks family).

She said that I may or may not lose the weight. And that I would be happy and beautiful in any shape or form I am in.  I wonder if that weighs (no pun intended) heavily on my mind and is projected in my attitude and thoughts? I always worried about knowing my future with a psychic in case I screwed it up when whatever was supposed to happen came along - perhaps I'm doing the same thing with my weight issue? 

 

Hmmm...lots of thought for a Thursday.

 

Have a cheerful day!

 

*hugs*



Hate

"I shall never permit myself to sink so low as to hate any man,"

Booker T. Washington

 

 

And this includes hating myself. Ever. Which I never have - though I strongly dislike myself sometimes.  Like that time I ate fast food and followed that by another meal. Yeah....that wasn't a love me kind of day.

 

I was sick for a couple of days - and it was definitely my body's way of telling me to take care of it and of myself.  Mental health days are just as important as physically ill days - and often, I believe the 2 are intertwined.  I slept.  I vegged.  I was alone with my thoughts while sleeping and vegging.  I woke up refreshed - still with a weak stomach - but happy to get up and be productive in my day.

 

I've been considering 2 sorts of weight loss programs. One is the tried and true Weight Watchers which does work when it's done and tracked properly.  The other one is following a doctor and nutritionist program.  The money I'd spend is about the same for both - so that's not a main factor in my decision.  I think I'm going to attend the orientation session with the doctor and see if his program is for me.  I've known coworkers who were successful on the program.  Though I am worried about restrictions.  One of the many reasons I like Weight Watchers is because it doesn't tell me to never eat carbs, etc  The doctor's website talked about certain programs restricting certain foods for certain periods of time.  That won't work in my lifestyle.  I know myself.  I know I will never not eat pasta or bread.  I will never not give up fruit because of its sugars.  So, I need to be open-minded but I need to be realistic about long-term management as well. 

 

Am excited about the new opportunities.  I talked about it with my fiance last night as well and he likes the nutritionist idea - I am beyond lucky to have such amazing support in my life.  He tells me all the time how attractive he finds me, how sexy he thinks I am.  And that, in turn, has me wanting to be healthier, happier and sexier for him.  And for myself.  See? How can someone who hates themselves ever want to feel that way. 

 

*hugs*

Fundamental Friday

"The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one has to do,"

J. M. Barrie

 

 

 

Day 2 of blogging.

Day 2 of a new revelation. We'll see.

 

But on Fundamental Friday I visit what has gone well for me this week and focus on the positive - one of my most favourite things to do.

 

I treated myself to a mani/pedi last night and have these gorgeous red talons to show off now. It looks very regal and fun with my sparkly engagement ring. Am happy.

 

I started blogging again - and am hoping to continue this as a routine, as an escape, as a means to communicate with others who are struggling and successful. Am happy.

 

I have a packed weekend of activity starting with movies tonight with the girls, wedding errands tomorrow with my sister and visiting a pumpkin patch with my love. Am happy.

 

Me think I doth protest too much - but I am feeling happy. Much happier than my dark place a day or so ago.

 

*hugs*



The Weight on my Body

"When we cannot find contentment in ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere,"

Duc de la Rochefoucauld

 

 

Funny thing about contentment...I consider myself a very content person. I love my life, the people, the things...all the things except my weight.  On that topic I am anything but content.

 

 

Yeah, yeah - broken record. But isn't weight loss and weight gain a broken record for those of us not content with it? I'm doing ok with my weight loss. I gained back half of what I lost last winter over the summer - indulging in one too many patio cocktails and bbq'd hot dogs smothered in ketchup and mayo. 

 

 

Then I went and got engaged. And have my best friend's wedding in 7 months from today. Weight Watchers is huge on my mind and I'm going back after a very long self-indulged summer break (which seems to have been stretched to mid-October) and yet the prospect of fitting into a huge white dress and standing beside my gorgeous, tall blonde BFF is STILL NOT ENTICING ME TO LOSE WEIGHT.

 

 

When the H-E-double hockey sticks does THAT moment come? It's a myth, right? That light bulb that goes off and weight loss is just natural and easy. Thing is, I know it's work. I've done that work. Do I have bigger issues than I think? Am I making excuses for being healthy and happy?  I am healthy and happy though. Right? right?

 

 

Last night I drove home after work - knowing I was going home to a wonderful dinner my fiance was making for us. I left the parking lot, proceeded straight to the McDonald's drive-thru and ate a meal before meeting him for our lovingly prepared meal together. WTF?!? WTH?!?!

 

Ugh. Sigh.

 

I'm not an excuses type of person but after gorging on french fries and junior chickens - the very next thought in my head was you need to write in your blog. You need to hold yourself accountable. You need to hold yourself accountable. You need to hold yourself accountable. To yourself.

 

So, that's what I'm doing. Welcome me back with open arms.....please.

 

*hugs*

 

 



Reason Wednesday

"Cultivate only the habits that you are willing should master you," Elbert Hubbard

Good day mates!!

Surprise, surprise, surprise. It's what you're saying to yourselves, right?

She's back again with a post about how she misses us, how she wants to blog, how she is disappointed in herself. Well, folks - she's sick of it too.

To keep this one short and sweet - I have rejoined Weight Watchers. I am not making any promises to myself except to really try; to really give it a-go; to really do my best.

I have my best friend's engagement party this year, her wedding next year, maybe a wedding of my own in the next couple of years - and more than wanting to be thin for those purposes - I want to be less fat for my own. I want to feel proud of my body, my clothes and be sexy to my boyfriend.

So - for all those reasons....and infinite more, I am back.

*hugs*