Dreams.

"It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger after them," George Eliot

I never would have dreamt that I'd be so heavy at this point in my life.

I can remember the time I started to really be conscious of my weight and would weigh myself everyday. It was in my 20's - when I began my first serious relationship. Ever since then I've hovered around the same weight but never crossed the 200 threshold. Then, one day, (I make it sound so miraculous but obviously it was done in well over a day) I was beyond 200. I didn't even see those middle numbers.

I sometimes blame my office job a little for this problem. Ultimately, my desk did not make me order a Starbucks mocha; my computer did not make me buy my unhealthy cafeteria lunch because I was too lazy to make something from home; my telephone did not make me snack unnecessarily because I was too tired to begin a new task. Blame can only go so far. Most of it has to lie with me.

I went out dancing on the weekend with some friends. I had a great time and felt like I looked great when I left the house Saturday night. I just saw some pictures now of that evening and do not like what I see in them. But...I only let that sad feeling stay with me for an instant. Instead the thoughts in my mind started to say "you won't ever look that way again".

I never would have dreamed that I can change the way that I think. And it came so instantaneously. Yay me!

*hugs*