Childhood.

"If a child lives with approval, He learns to like himself", Dorothy Law Nolte

Childhood is supposed to be one of the best times of our lives.

I did like my childhood but I had a lot of responsibilities growing up. Both my parents worked full-time and as I was the eldest, I took care of my brother and sister. They had a fantastic childhood. They got to play, had no obligations, just worried about having fun.

It is also because I am the oldest that my parents rely on me the most. I love my family very much and would do most anything for them but at some point over the last few years, I have started to understand that I need to be me. I need to put myself first. No one else will, nor should they.

My sister makes going to the gym a priority. I put it after I have done the laundry, washed the dishes, gone grocery shopping. By then I just want to park my butt on the couch and watch mindless television. I then become a cranky pants and began to easily get angry with other members of my family for not helping out. What I realized is that I was taking it all on myself. What I also realized is that it won't kill anyone if I leave the house for an hour or two to take a walk or hit the gym. In fact, it would be make me more relaxed; I would feel better and I would attack the household chores with a much livelier spirit. All because I would have taken care of myself first.

I used to blame my parents for putting so much responsibility on me at such a young age. At this point, I am almost 32 and can no longer blame my parents for how much I weigh and how much exercise I don't do. It is time to embrace the inner child in me and have fun. Hit the gym. And not feel guilty about it.

Last night, the b/f and I signed up for our gym memberships at the fabulous new athletic club opening in the city. I put aside my feelings of not being able to spend the money on such a frivolity. It is a necessity and one that I need to make me feel, well, more like me.

*hugs*

Capacity.

"We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique...You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything...", Pablo Casals

I know who I am.

I am a strong-willed, fun-loving, kind-hearted, gentle-spirited woman. I don't always love my body but am working on that. I am trying to make the connection between what I see in the mirror and how I feel about myself a positive one each and every day.

Thing is, when I leave my house in the morning I feel that I look my best and feel fabulous. I'll come to work or run an errand and people will tell me that I look fantastic. This will make me glow inside and keep helping me to present the best me I can be.

Just this morning at a meeting a coworker was quite adamant that she thought I was the most fantastic dresser she knows. Other coworkers nodded and agreed with her sentiment. It's always been hard for me to accept the compliment. I don't know why. When I got dressed this morning, I also felt that I was wearing a great outfit. Where does this disconnect happen? How come I think something is good, someone else thinks the same thing is good yet when they call me on it - I am immediately drawn to say oh no...not me...this old thing...blah.

Pablo Casals tells me I have the capacity for anything.

The anything I choose is to be kind to myself. Accept all the good graces that come my way. Be strong in conviction and will to continue on in being the best me. Weight or no weight. If I can do it when I'm big, it will be second nature when I'm not so big.

*hugs*

Change.

"Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything", George Bernard Shaw

I have made some progress.

I lost one pound last week.

I tracked all last week, and am tracking this week too.

My b/f and I are going to take advantage of a great opening deal of a new athletic club near his house.

It feels good. Even after feeling bad. I will keep jumping back on the weight wagon until I don't fall off anymore.

I don't want to be the fat friend.

I don't want to hate pictures I see of myself.

I don't want to buy clothes only to fit into them for now until I lose weight.

I want to lose the weight to fit into the clothes I have.

I want to be in every picture when I'm out with my friends.

I want to be the fun-loving, amazing friend I know I already am.

I'll just be a better me. A new me. A changed me.

*hugs*

Best.

"I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing it until the end", Abraham Lincoln

The title of this post is Best. When I first typed it out, I mistakenly typed Beast. However, that is how I am feeling at this very moment.

I was at the birthday of one of my besties this past weekend. I bought a new outfit on Friday night - a pair of skinny black jeans and a cute tunic. I wore it with some platform booties I've been wanting to show-off and I left the house Saturday night feeling really hot (and slim).

This morning I take a look at the pics (posted on Facebook) and holy hannah! - I am a cow. I know, I know, I know, I know this is bad of me to talk this way - being I'm usually an optimist and all that crap, but bejeezus...I am portly. Or, more specifically, a port. A docking station? A station to dock port.

Now, I know I am a bigger gal. But what I usually see in the mirror and how that represents itself in pictures has usually been a disconnect for me. I may be large but I always feel that I dress well and look good. I still think I looked good on Saturday night and felt super hot. It was just jarring to see these pictures and feel bad about myself - especially, after feeling such a high.

In the end, it helps me realize and try to remember to keep on the good path.

The path to the docking station which houses skinny ports.

*hugs*

Beginning.

"The distance doesn't matter; it is only the first step that is difficult", Marquise de Deffand

This week has been my new beginning. Or, to be really accurate, my re-newed beginning.

I've begun many times and have lost count. I hope to make this the one that counts.

Friday is the beginning of my weekend. Monday is the beginning of my week. I consider each and every morning a brand spankin' new opportunity to be the best me I can be. (So cliché I know...but clichés exist for a reason).

My weekend will be full of visiting friends, celebrating birthdays, eating, drinking, dancing, exercising, making the right choices to help me stay on the right path.

For me, this mainly means no McDonald's drive-thru at 3 a.m. to soak up the alcohol. It probably also means not drinking so much to need a McDonald's drive-thru at 3 a.m.

Come on, we've all been there...right? Right?

*hugs*

Attitude.

"It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult undertaking which, more than anything else, will determine its successful outcome", William James

I gots me some attitude.

And it's almost always a positive one. I try to see the very best in people and in situations. I try to even see it in myself. Why, oh why, is it so hard to see it in ourselves??

I know a guy who lost a lot of weight - and has since kept it off for numerous years. He is now studying to become a personal trainer and has most recently gotten into body-building. A few years ago, this guy was a beer-guzzling, rib-eating, multiple dessert-devouring kinda guy. One day his attitude changed. For his health, for the better.

What also changed was the attitudes of our friends towards him. They thought he was cocky, vain, a show-off. Indeed he was. I seemed to be the only one who understood and was ok with it. I'm a very tolerant and patient person, and because I often see the best in people I could see that he was still the same lovable, kind and good-hearted person I always knew. What the others couldn't see was that he was a fat guy who became thin.

That's the truth. That's his dream. That's my dream.

When you've been thin all your life, you don't know what it's like to be big and bugged. (I'm not saying slim people don't get the questions and comments about their weight because they do)...but as a bigger bodacious babe, I know that people will see me differently because I will be seeing myself differently. I don't think it will ultimately change who I am but there will be changes in me. And that is what is hardest for some of our friends to comprehend. This guy is proud of his accomplishments and he COMPLETELY should be. He worked at it - he exercised - he changed his eating habits - turned bad habits into good.

His sudden confidence and outgoing nature is too overwhelming for some. He has had to take stock of some of his friendships and relationships because a few were more harmful than not. That's the saddest part. It should be a congratulatory and encouraging time in his life. He has increased his life expectancy; he has come out of his shell to the world; he doesn't sit at home alone on a Friday night too lazy and insecure to go out. Attitude goes a long way.

I want me some of that attitude. The attitude that will get me to my ultimate goals. The attitude that will help me make a good food choice over a bad one. The attitude that will help me help others see the potential they have in themselves to be the best they can be.

*hugs*

Action.

"Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there...and light the bloody thing yourself", Sara Henderson

Weight Watchers.

I am re-joining. Third time's the charm, right?

I am on a savings kick and it isn't in my budget to attend meetings. So, since I have 10 unused tracker sheets I will be using these on my own.

After the 10 weeks are up - I may decide to join WW again for the weigh-in opportunities, however, I do feel that if I can get through these weeks with hard work and preserverance then I will feel and be empowered to continue no matter what my obstacles may be.

Don't they say that it takes 6 weeks to form a habit? Who are they anyway? Have they actually succeeded in the wisdom they like to spew forth?

I like the WW program for the most part and think the points system they use is helpful. However, I don't think it always encourages the healthiest of eating habits - then again, the food choices I make are mine to inhale. If I want to use up half my points on a venti non-fat half-sweet mochacchino with light whip instead of a salad with spinach, blueberries and feta then that really is my problem. And that of my jeans...

(Want to know a secret? I actually prefer the salad with spinach, blueberries and feta).

They can take that!

*hugs*

Achievement.

"All the things we achieve are things we have first of all imagined and then made happen", David Malouf

Here I am.

Wanting to lose weight. Again. Always.

The earliest memories I have are of my family calling me fat or overweight or needing to lose a few pounds or not eating more potatoes.

I joined Weight Watchers a couple of years ago. One January day with my mom. We went to Saturday morning meetings together and I personally lost almost 20 pounds in 2 months!

Then, I fell off the wagon.

I can remember the weekend it happened. The day it happened. The moment it happened. It was a decision I made and then continued to make. That' s what weight loss is. A decision. A constant decision to choose whatever you put in your mouth; to choose whether I will go for a walk at lunch or head over to Starbucks for a latté; to choose what life I want for myself. Too many choices. And too many decisions for a procrastinator.

However, I have been feeling enlightened as of late. I have been reading some amazing blogs about women going through the weight loss process. I know it's tough but I also know how rewarding it can be and is. I want to be less bigger than I am. I want to be strong and toned. I want to not be winded when I walk to the parking lot to get my car after work. I want to put on my runners at lunch and go for that walk - without a second thought.

This will be my journey to become that person. The person I know I can be.

I am done imagining it. I am going to make it happen.
Hope you can come along for the ride. Or we can take it together.

*hugs*